Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Freefalling into a Straight Jacket

It started with a dull ache. Like having a hair tie on your wrist too long. You absent mindedly put it there and just know that you will remember to take it off only to find your hand throbbing and an indentation the size of the Mississippi river underneath. Oops. I left it on too long. Only it was my life and it was choking me. The “perfect” family, house, car, job life was becoming a noose around my neck. It was the playing it safe. The not speaking up. The not taking risks. The getting in the water but not diving in. The existing but NOT thriving. The not truly living.

I didn’t know what needed to change but I knew it was something. So I prayed. I drank. I cried. I asked questions. Sometimes all at the same time. Why weren’t we truly thriving anymore? How did we get to a place that we were just going through the motions? There was so much thankfulness and we were #Blessed (you can punch me if that is ever my hashtag) but we weren’t living that way.

John had left the kitchen as a chef and had been working at Tmobile for nearly a decade and was miserable from not using his gifts. How had a few months turn into years? My job was tried and true but I was plagued with the feeling that I was settling. Wasn’t there more to life than this? I understand how melodramatic this may sound. Get over it and be happy right? But my soul knew there was MORE and I couldn’t rest until I found out what that was.

There was no real reason to move. No real reason to leave where we had lived since we had said our vows nearly 12 years before and leave a place that was filled with all of our family and friends. But we asked the bravest question that became a turning point in our lives. "WHAT IF?"

What if we move and it fails? What if we get to where we are going and we are miserable? What if we lose everything? What if we fail?.....
What if it was all worth it? WHAT IF?

On Jan 1, 2016 John and I were catapulted into asking those questions and agreeing that even if the risk of not knowing felt daunting, we knew that we had to risk it. It was time for a change. It was time for everything to change.