Journal post 4/1/13
21 more days off...it's this fine line of being purposeful and just stopping and absorbing the moment for what it is- even if it means pjs and piles of laundry and snuggles and tucking the kids into bed with dirty feet every once in awhile...
John got me this journal as an anniversary present (9 yrs baby!) "I just want you to know I don't just see you as a mommy or as a wife...I see you as Leah. I see you as you." He was reminding me to take a closer look. A DEEPER look. I've always been concerned at my CORE about living a life of SUBSTANCE & teaching my children to do the same. It's been good and also a little scary at admitting exactly where I am in that process. Artistically wise- creatively wise I have been STUCK from moving past the age of 16. But I am 29!!!!! I cannot sing the same song and hang up the same artwork like I have been doing the last 13 years! It's as if I have never progressed artistically passed that point and that realization has been BRUTAL and hard. I actually wept after I posted "that" song on FB and it was this epiphany that I needed to MOVE ON! For myself and for my girls. I have also always feared turning into my dad in regards to being an artist of the past and not the present (love you dad). Jesus has created me to create. It blesses His heart. So why am I so terrified of this ability and inability all at the same time???? I don't want to be 60 and plagued with the same fears and same insecurities. I want to mature in those areas. Or more realistically CONQUER what I deem to be weak or the "incapable" parts of myself.
Today I started by doing some canvases for Shar & Ken's new home (as a married couple Woot!) thus the creative process starts. The doubting, the loving, the incomplete process, the vulnerable, the questioning what it is that my hand is going to paint and why it seems the art takes on a life of it's own. How it came from me and yet feels like I am just a liaison between the medium and the canvas- a steward. Now I must choose everyday to be a good steward or if I am going to bury my talents.
Maybe that's the point. I have been so busy digging them up for all these years rather then investing in what is given to me today.
Why does that seem so scary?