Confessions of a working mom

* This is a wordy one full of run-on sentences and random things capitalized lol Bare with me here. I left the filter out for the sake of being real my friends.

Yesterday was my first day back to work after almost three months being home with our three little girls. I took my maternity leave early due to complications and thus had to go back a tad early as well (just a few days before Jasmine turned 11 weeks). I tend to swing between two extreme pendalums internally- the one that says "You are doing this for your kids so they know that they can do ANYTHING they want when they grow up AND also be a mommy. You have more to give your kids because the time you have with them is quality time and not merely quantity" and then the other part of me says "Quit your job! You know you would be a better mom if you just stayed home. We could live in a cardboard box and be happy. You know if you really had a choice, you would be home all the time. What mom would CHOOSE to go to work."

I'm not sure what I was expecting but part of me half way imagined something like this- the girls all bawling in unison and me prying them off of me to head out the door. Feelings of guilt plaguing me all the way there only to get to the office and find I no longer remembered how to do my job. Will I remember how to collect audiometric data again? Or even know how to use my otoscope? These feelings had been building for the weeks leading up to my return and all I wanted was the gray cloud to part and an angel swoop down and tell me I could just stay home forever. And to be honest with myself...I can. I can stay home. I have a choice. Yes life would look differently but it is a choice nonetheless.

The morning was not the nightmare that I envisioned at all. It was smooth. It was uneventful and the girls and myself were all ready before 7am without a glitch or a meltdown from them or me (way earlier then the past few months). They were gracious and our snuggles were more sentamental but there was no work fairy who appeared like a grim reaper and snatched me from my girls. We said our goodbyes and Nevaeh in the most endearing tone explained to Ruby  "It's OK. When you are a mommy you will have to go to work too. And thats OK because they will be your kids and you will always come back." while we all hugged. A part of me was crushed she was the one doing the explaining not to mention that she was telling our 3 year old that she would "HAVE to work" when she was a mommy. I try to explain that mommy helps people hear better- mommies and daddies and grandmas and grandpas. I tried to remember that explanation of why I do what I do but that morning there was no rational nor reason in my heart or mind. I simply got in the car and drove to work. And it did all come flooding back in an instant. Like riding a bike and not even thinking about where you are riding to. Or being too busy with patients to be able to think what my left or right hand was doing but somehow it came to me as natural as nurturing my newborn child. There were no big fireworks or tears...then.

I came home a little resentful that things had gone so smoothly. I packed up the youngest girls after work, headed home, played, and ate dinner, and then we were off to Nev's basketball game all as a fam. Maybe I half way wished that it was such a rough day that I could have said "SEE! I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!! I'm never supposed to work again!!!!!!!!!!" I may or may not have created drama in my heart. It may or may not have built up until the point that when the kids were in bed I cried to my husband and said some things I didn't mean. I may or may not have hurt his heart because I was hurting with my own internal battle. My go to place when I am dealing with something is I can do it on my own....Without Jesus, without my husband or friends. Just me and my girls in my little bunker. To be a hermet and just shelter and love on them forever because BY MYSELF I'm so much better off. Not my proudest moment but my sinful heart reared it's ugly face showing my need for a Savior. And in our flesh we like to hide our sin. So here I am exposing it for all the world to see.

Today was day #2 and I cried all the way to work. Because deep down in my heart I know I am doing the right thing but IF IT"S THE RIGHT THING WHY DOES IT FEEL SO BAD. And there are so many stay-at-home moms that would tell me that I am doing the wrong thing. That I should be at home. That I am missing out. To you I say- my family will always be my first priority. Always. And thank the Lord each day He promises to provide us with what we need even if it may not be what we want. That His grace is sufficient. I hope that I am brave enough to daily ask the scary question "What do you require of me today?" For today- for this season and for this time frame, this is what I am supposed to be doing. It is not the all or nothing that I make it out to be. It is not work OR be a mother. Right now for me it is doing both and as my six year old put it, it is OK.

The down-low on decals

Decals. They can transform a wall and thus a room instantly and if I had the choice I would plaster them over all of our walls...oh wait..... I ALREADY DO THAT! It started a few years back when we decorated Ruby's nursery. Just try to ignore the creepy naked baby doll in the crib. Better yet, let me give you a tour of the decals around our home:

A cherry blossom branch decal,

 that we moved from Ruby's old red room (which is now becoming the play room) to the girls shared room:

Pink flowers in the girls bathroom

And let's not forget about the tree, bird, and flowers that were in Nevaeh's old pink and green room (can you say Target?) before we painted it blue and the girls started sharing the space:

And then was the turning point!....decals are so expensive and almost a luxury so why not make your own???? So we put up a (YOU GUESSED IT- ANOTHER ONE) huge unicorn!

But this time I made the decal myself out of poster board!You may have read about it previously here. However, I want to show you a more detailed step-by-step on how to do your own beings that it is my second attempt (this time making an anchor and stars). Here is how to make these bad boys out of POSTER BOARD (they range from only $0.79- $1.29. Can you say cheap?) :

 

 These act more like wallpaper & are long-lasting. Make sure you love where they are at!                                                             

And last but not least (do you hear the drum roll) Here is a sneak peak into the new "playroom" with the nifty new anchor decal:

What would you want to create to transform your space? An owl? A rainbow? A branch? You can really make any decal you want!!!! And now you know how =)

DIY Bookends

Yay for a project completed! This must mean that we are getting into our groove as a family of five!!!! I have to say though it is not quite fair to be slapped with the "I have a newborn" status as even though she is just two months old she has been the easiest baby in the world! Which merely means that it's beautifully chaotic only 99.9 % of the time with a six yr old and a just turned three old instead of 100% ha ha. But seriously, she makes the world go round with her cuteness!

 

It also means that I start and stop a project a gazillion times before it's actually finished. Why don't mother's have eight arms? Hmmmm Where was I ??? Oh yeah... the project.

SUPER FLY DIY BOOKENDS

I've wanted to make a pair of bookends for Nevaeh's "horse room" for quite sometime. My father in law was awesome enough to cut and create the bookends with two pieces of wood that he put together into an L shape (thanks pops !). Next was jacking two of Nevaeh's toy horses (*gasp) and getting to work spray painting them silver, painting the wood black, and simply gluing each horse on.

Plastic toys + wood + super glue = booya. DIY Bookends!

I used outdoor spray paint which created more of a marble effect up close.

Totally functional and cute for the blue room which is now Nevaeh & Ruby's shared room as of a month ago and I'm LOVING it!

Cheers to mommy projects.

Straight from my journal

Journal post 4/1/13

21 more days off...it's this fine line of being purposeful and just stopping and absorbing the moment for what it is- even if it means pjs and piles of laundry and snuggles and tucking the kids into bed with dirty feet every once in awhile...

John got me this journal as an anniversary present (9 yrs baby!) "I just want you to know I don't just see you as a mommy or as a wife...I see you as Leah. I see you as you." He was reminding me to take a closer look. A DEEPER look. I've always been concerned at my CORE about living a life of SUBSTANCE & teaching my children to do the same. It's been good and also a little scary at admitting exactly where I am in that process. Artistically wise- creatively wise I have been STUCK from moving past the age of 16. But I am 29!!!!! I cannot sing the same song and hang up the same artwork like I have been doing the last 13 years! It's as if I have never progressed artistically passed that point and that realization has been BRUTAL and hard. I actually wept after I posted "that" song on FB and it was this epiphany that I needed to MOVE ON! For myself and for my girls. I have also always feared turning into my dad in regards to being an artist of the past and not the present (love you dad). Jesus has created me to create. It blesses His heart. So why am I so terrified of this ability and inability all at the same time???? I don't want to be 60 and plagued with the same fears and same insecurities. I want to mature in those areas. Or more realistically CONQUER what I deem to be weak or the "incapable" parts of myself. 

Today I started by doing some canvases for Shar & Ken's new home (as a married couple Woot!) thus the creative process starts. The doubting, the loving, the incomplete process, the vulnerable, the questioning what it is that my hand is going to paint and why it seems the art takes on a life of it's own. How it came from me and yet feels like I am just a liaison between the medium and the canvas- a steward. Now I must choose everyday to be a good steward or if I am going to bury my talents.
Maybe that's the point. I have been so busy digging them up for all these years rather then investing in what is given to me today.
Why does that seem so scary?

Bento Friday

Tomorrow Jasmine will be 7 weeks (pics coming soon)!!!!! Where has the time gone? It's been amazing having time at home with the girls and even John had a few weeks off to celebrate as a family. One thing we started doing was adding some creativity to lunch time or should I say chef Johnny adding creativity by making each Friday into "Bento Friday" (Since it's spring break I can get away with posting this on a wednesday right?).

BENTO FUN

 This bento was a hit at school with Nevaeh and she was eager for the next Friday to see what we came up with. We came up with the bunny grape idea from the olive bunnies we did for easter last year! Aren't they cute?

The octopus's were made with hotdogs for the body, seaweed for the neck, sesame seed eyes and cheese noses. Toothpicks were placed in the center of each one to help them stand. These were so fun to eat!

OCTOPUS HOTDOGS

Note: Add a little mayo to the surface of the hotdog so the eyes, nose, and seaweed will stick easily

PIGGY SUSHI

To create the pink rice add beet juice to your cooked sushi rice. Ham was used for the ears, sesame seeds for the eyes, and cheese for the noses!

CHICK & A BEAR

Trick: use a dried pasta noodle to hold together the different body parts on the egg to create the chick

 KITTY SUSHI

Use a beet for the cute little bow

The possibilities are endless! It's cute to see how excited kids get over this stuff. Trust me when I say- lunch time will never be the same =)

Nursery Reveal

It's time for the big before and after of our walk-in closet turned nursery!!!!!! I can't believe it's done and we pulled it off especially since we are having her in just a few days!

Let's start with the finished result...

Jasmine Star's little sanctuary

 

The frame was a $0.50 find that my mom got at an estate sale. We transformed it by spray painting the outer frame gold and then removed the glass. Next, we painted the cardboard with a few coats of chalkboard paint for her name.

I'm obsessed with these glass bulbs. They are intended for either candles or plants but you could fill them with really anything for decoration. I chose star garland and randomly twisted the wire within and then hung them from ceiling with fishing line. The plan is to put battery operated tea lights in each one. Perfect dim lighting for all of the late night feedings. 

 The owl lamp was from my bestie and her hubbie for Christmas that she spray painted gold to match the room. Do they know us or what?

This is a 1972 vintage toy record player. If you must know....it was also my little splurge that added flare and quirkiness to the room.

 We transferred ALL of our many racks of clothes into this spiffy wardrobe organizer from IKEA. The left side is for all of my girliness as well as Jasmine's dresses & coats & the whole right side is the hubby's. Of course he has a tad bit more room then me lol I love that we can reuse it for years to come.

 We utilized the space on top of the wardrobe frame with magazine organizers and photo boxes. As you will see from the before pics we had ALOT of magazines and extra pics and memorabilia stacked on top of our clothe racks. The organizers were our solution to the clutter and a practical use of the space and now we know where everything is!

The bassinet is actually from when we were pregnant with our first daughter 7 years ago. I can't believe how fast the time flies! Plus it was still in great condition even after being used by at least six different families.

 This is by far my favorite section of the room and I'm loving how our homemade mobile turned out. To think that it was made from just a branch that John and I picked up from his parent's property and spray painted, fishing line, and cardboard birds painted blue makes it that much sweeter (and for only a buck). I can just picture her staring at it from her bassinet.

The lanterns were originally dark brass and were hand painted to match (they were a target bargain find!)

There you have it- our funky fun space for our newborn. We also tried to keep the decor something we could easily have as our own adult space/haven once she starts sharing a room with one of her older sisters when she outgrows the bassinet.

But the makeover wouldn't be complete without a glance into the BEFORE: 

Our crazy messy walk-in closet we started with:

Transformed into a nursery AND functional closet!

It's hard to believe that it's the same space! We are ready for you baby girl and are so excited to bring you home to your new little sanctuary =)

Duck tape charm

DUCK TAPE BOWS

Let me start by saying that I'm ashamed that I stole borrowed this idea from a few 5th graders selling their crafty creations door to door and thought that it was ingenious and had to be done (after buying one of course- come on I'm not that lame). So off we went to get a few rolls of colorful duck tape to make a bazillion bows/barrettes. 

Here is a play by play:

My 6 yr old was soon on board making her own for her classmates and friends! We displayed the bows by pushing the bobby pins through card stock and gave them away as Christmas gifts.

Even baby Anaya was a fan of her petite little bows =)

Last but not least, I came up with some duck tape flowers that even I've been sporting.

DUCK TAPE FLOWERS

Now when the girlies (or myself) lose them I don't feel too bad because you can make a bazillion more for only a few cents each. Pretty sweet!